A justification

by Ella

Dylan’s been on me to post more.  He’s been citing the post count score — “It’s 5-4!  Now it’s 6-4!  You’re losing!”  He’s fighting dirty.  He knows I cannot stand to lose games.  I invent games specifically so that I can win them.  He is goading me.  It worked.

Last time we met, Dylan wrote about a cyber game we played the other night.  I think he’s much more into cyber sex than I am.  I absolutely love the idea of it, but when it comes right down to it, as he said, I feel a little silly describing things that I’d rather be doing.  However, I do like the buildup of it, and I like that it’s much easier to act out fantasies online than it is in person, sometimes — there’s more room for suspension of disbelief when you’re not face to face with a person, which made that night’s game a lot easier to manage.

I do very much like the “other woman” fantasy, and after his post the other night I’ve been trying to think about why.  I think that what I love about it is the feeling of power that I so rarely experience in real life.  There is something unbearably intoxicating about the idea of being so attractive, so alluring, so incredibly desirable that a man is willing to betray his partner to have you.  Needless to say, I am not a cheater, and never will be (and hopefully I have also never been cheated on), but what red-blooded woman could deny the appeal of being seen as such a succubus?  In a previous post I alluded to some insecurities I have about myself and particularly my appearance.  Realistically, on a good day, I am willing to concede that I actually am pretty attractive.  I have a pretty face and a nice smile and, apparently, fuck-me glasses.  (I did not know that was a thing.)  However, I firmly believe that nine times out of ten, you show me a 21-year-old girl who claims to have no body image problems, and I’ll show you someone who’s just too insecure to admit them.  I am no exception to this rule, and I know that Dylan thinks I’m hot as hell, but I also know that his attraction to me is magnified by his affection for me.  All of this makes the idea of seducing a man away from his lover particularly intoxicating.  In this fantasy, I am a knockout.  Also, I have great clothes.  Every girl’s dream, right?

Well, kind of right.  I won’t deny the allure of the fantasy — as long as it is a fantasy — but as I said before, it’s not something I would ever actually want, even if I thought I could get it. Because I was thinking the other night, as we were playing this game, if Dylan’s character’s girlfriend was so unsatisfactory, why didn’t he just leave her?  Of course, it was a game, so her negative characteristics were emphasized, but of course it also really happens, and the question remains: why stay with someone who doesn’t make you happy or sex you up right?  There are lots of reasons.  Sometimes there are kids, sometimes there is shared property, sometimes you just can’t face a breakup or a divorce, but it seems to me that a large part of the time, one of the reasons is that you still care about her — perhaps you even still love her — but you’re restless and just want to sleep around.  And then when I think about being that other woman, really being her, the appeal fades.  Why do I want to be with someone who could betray a woman he cares about?  Sex talks, and at least with Dylan, I know what it says.  I know that as he’s kissing me and fingering my cunt and forcing my head down on his cock and finally fucking me, he’s telling me, as he told you a few days ago, that he loves me, and if that distorts the purity of his attraction to me, I’m comfortable with that.  I don’t want to be with someone whose sex is saying, “I’m just using you to break the monotony of sleeping with my wife or girlfriend, and I get off on the thrill of going behind her back.  This has nothing to do with you, specifically — you were in the right place at the right time.”  Not only is it wrong to sleep with a guy who isn’t single(obviously it is wrong), but it doesn’t particularly stroke my ego, when you look at it that way.  So yes, I love the other woman fantasy, but no, I will never be the other woman.  I’ll still masturbate to the idea, and probably role-play it a few more times before I wear out the appeal, but I would never want that fantasy to become a reality.

I would probably take the clothes though.

~ by Ella on November 3, 2008.